Palm-Ella loves seals.

And so do I.

Peta does too. So much that they throw pies at things to save them. (How they reckon this will save said seals is a mystery, but apparently such behavior has merit.) Peta has a lot of money, fame and support, but continuously relies on publicity stunts to achieve their goals, which are centered mostly on animal rights. Human rights, however, are apparently completely disregarded in their attempts to banish animal cruelty, as made clear in the ongoing controversy around PETA’s campaigns.

A 37 year old member of PETA was charged with assault after she shoved a pie into the fact of fisheries and oceans minister Gail Shea in Burlington in January. As Shea began her speech at the Canada Centre for Inland Waters in Burlington, the PETA member came up to the podium and clobbered her with a tofu cream pie.

In the past, PETA has effectively covered Lindsay Lohan for wearing a fur coat in Paris, written a formal letter to Ben and Jerry’s asking them to switch to breast milk to make their ice cream, asked the Pet Shop Boys to change their name, and a myriad of other ludicrous measures. These things are stupid, not radical, and won’t do shit.

In art theory, to be radical involves a harkening back to that which we cannot return – the past – as well as importing techniques from across genres, like taking something from dance and incorporating it into film. If we simply keep doing brand new things and consider it shocking, we simply get louder and louder. And that won’t prove anything.

What needs to replace eco terrorism is eco creativity. Besides, maybe someone should first feed Lindsay Lohan some flour before anything else, so she’ll have some meat on her bones and won’t need a fur coat to stay warm. Get to the root of the problem, I say ! Think about people first ! We’re smarter than animals, right?

PETA executive vice-president Tracy Reiman said the pie in the face wasn’t as bad as the blood on Gails hands. PETA reckons it is time Canada banned the seal hunt, that the commercial fishing industry is environmentally destructive – and lots of Canadians agree with them, including myself. Yet, this doesn’t mean I’m going to waste a good pie on some woman named Gail.

First Nations people hunted seals 4000 years ago and valued every part of the creature – the pelt, the meat, the ceremonial aspect of the kill, it’s symbolic meaning in a young dudes life. Now, you can get a seal pelt for 14 dollars and kill one by raking its eyes out without even leaving your boat - not exactly the ritual the First Nations had in mind. We’re killing increasingly more and more seals year after year, too, and loving every bloody minute of it?

This is where Gail comes in. A former provincial cabinet minister, she has stated that her department, the fisheries department is not a department that will have many ribbon-cutting ceremonies. I sense a lament for the not quite glamorous role she has in the seal hunt, unlike Palm (above).

And it sho' is bloody. Long poles with metal hooks are the weapon of choice from what I gather, they are hauled on board the boats and then beaten to a pulp. There is pretty much no way to convince someone this isn’t a ridiculously inhumane practice. (Vladimir Putin said so himself. And I don’t think he would fuck around. Russia banned the slaughter of Harp seals under a year old) However it’s still legal under Canada's Marine Mammal Regulations. The Canadian government has ignored the crazy amounts of criticism and under the amended Marine Mammal Regulations, the practice will continue.

In 1987, Canada was compassionate enough to halt the slaughter of “white coats” (young specimens who aren’t coloured yet) but seals lose their white fur around 2 weeks of age, so this means most are shot before their third month of life (they can’t even swim yet and they have to try and get away from the hunters. )
During Canada’s annual commercial hunt, as many as 300 000 seals are shot or bludgeoned.

And to be sure, the costs of the seal hunt outweigh the economic benefit. After all, this shit is subsidized by our tax dollars. My precious rivets ! I’m a vegetarian I didn’t agree to this shit ! If we ended the hunt, Canada would have a minimum of $6.9 million doll-hairs every year ! That means we could all be walking around with canes and grills and fake fur ! But Gail seems pretty adamant that the economic benefits are as lucrative as a money tree. Guess what, Gail. Seals don’t grow on trees anymore.

Regardless, she is pretty proud that Canada is a world leader in the seal hunt. The government website says this. Are we meant to feel proud of this factoid? Minister Shea (always referred to as “honourable minister” on the site) assures us that Fishery’s officers will be closely monitoring the hunt this year to make sure of compliance with regulations. (So if they’re not around, the hunters will go crazy and start killing everything in sight?) The fisheries department website states:

“Our government will continue to defend the rights of Canadian sealers to provide a livelihood for their families through our lawful, sustainable and humane hunt, said Shea. We are extremely disappointed that the European Parliament has called for a disruption of the trade of seal products and our position remains that any ban on a humanely conducted hunt, such as Canada’s, is completely without merit. We will continue to explore all legal and diplomatic options and Canadians can be assured that we will exercise our rights to their fullest extent under international trade laws if and when it becomes necessary and appropriate."

For one, I’m pretty sure a humanely conducted hunt is an oxymoron.

For two, I disagree that not clubbin seals has no merit.

And is it really so diplomatic, sensitive and tactful to rip baby seals to shreds for money (using vegetarians tax dollars?)

The whole thing is pretty disgraceful, but you have to be pretty wack to pie a middle aged woman making a speech in front of hundreds of people.

But I guess Lindsay has to get those coats somewhere, right? And who am I to tell her she can’t have whatever she wants? Her dad was like, a real clown. She can have all the fur she wants.