Pachislo's

Pachislo (Patch - is - slow) - a Japanese slot machine that generates obnoxious noise and gaudy imagery, and what appears to be a really fucking good time.

Pachislo's are different than normal slot machines because they have LCD screens which video-game-style narratives play out of. Complete with colourful anime style graphics and crazy sound effects and Japanese approximations of American themes like Rambo and Harley Davidson.

There's even an Obama Inauguration pachislo which comes decorated with an image of our main man Barrack, with his arms folded in front of the presidential seal and an American Flag.

Gambling is illegal in Japan, but people sit there glassy eyed in front of these bad boys in "pachinko parlors" for hours, trying to win tokens to trade in for prizes - like cigarette lighters or little boxes, then they can take the prizes to redeeming centers and exchange them for cash. (The process is a bit more involved than here in North America.)

Theres a dude in Brooklyn (Eddie Cramer) who has transformed his entire apartment into a private pachinko parlor. He lives mostly at his girlfriends place so his apartment can be dedicated to his illustrious collection. (What a fucking badass.)

Anatomy of the male preteen heart throb.

It starts with a small town.

When you are from a small town, you are probably vulnerable enough to be conned into wearing something rediculous, singing showtunes and / or being a white preteen rapper, and generally being a puppet for the industry. Or your simply just too polite to say no.



A powerful, enduring, godlike figure (Usher, Jermaine Dupree, Snoop Dogg) takes you under their wing for God knows what reason. Maybe they see a glimmer in your eyes - a prospective river of boundless riches. These enduring figures tear the young neophyte from his home, introduce him into the "game", a world of drugs, nice shoes, and scantily clad women. The young grasshopper will adopt infinite swagger and generally lose his virginity at age, oh, 12, and is probably about ready for rehab at the ripe old age of, oh, 16. I give Beiber 2 years.

Anyone who actually calls themself The Doggfather and isn't widely ridiculed for it would be responsible for Lil Bow Wow's astonishing success. And as for Kriss Kross, wearing clothing backward may not have been quite the enduring trend the world had hoped at the time, but Dupri moulded those boys into cartoon character type figures of monumental historic relevance. Their music videos are totally like a necessary institution in hip hop. And I don't care what anyone says. Those boys were fucking hot.



He has to have older, famous women spreading his name like wildfire across the internet. When this blonde sbum bag announced that she "wanted to do a shoot" with Bieber and that she was "close to his age", a wave of nausea on par with the hormones in Laguna Beaches spanned the land. Gag me with a spoon.



On that note, often times there is a virginal quality to the male preteen heartthrob that sometimes makes older female celebrities want to rip off their clothing, tie them up in their bedroom and tape the whole thing and sell it to the tabloids. Or the child star just gets married at the age of like, 18 because all they want to do is bone but are hampered by their moral qualms.



Usually the child star will alternate between singing, acting, dancing, theatre, and may even start a clothing line. Their status as a triple threat may be questionable, ie Zac Efron`s uncertain acting abilities - but let it be known that he can really bust a move.



Its imparative that he throws a lot of gang signs.



Then, when the child star turns about 19 or 20 and realizes their entire career has been little more than an artistic joke, one of several events may ensue:

a) The child star turns to the porn industry (remember screech? And Jesse Spano? Two child stars of Saved by the Bell who both attempted to salvage their careers with porno. That said, he's pretty good at what he does. His appearances on Sally Jesse Raphael making mysoginistic comments at white trash hoes do make me chuckle, I cannot lie.)

b) The child star commits suicide or has a mysterious death. (Michael Jackson, Corey Haim)

c) The child star publicly apologizes for creating noise pollution and swears to embark on a path of legitimacy (The Moffats. I guess they didnt go through with the attempt for legitimacy, though. Matter of fact I tried to check the spelling of thier name and Google was like girl who the fuck you talkin bout?)

d) The child star sinks into oblivion and is never heard of again (JTT, Hanson, Rider Strong from Boy Meets World) save for maybe the occasional sex tape, commercial appearance, or arrest for cocaine posession (Danny Bonaduce).

e) Turns homosexual and astonishes the world. (Lance Bass, JTT)

I`ll end this post on a positive note: I predict an epic comeback for Macaulay Kaulkin. He managed to wheel Mila Kunis, so something tells me he has the makings of a legend. Or maybe heès just hung like a horse and we will be seeing an epic porn tape of the two of thm in the future. Either way, Im down.

Gulf Oil Spill - The Way I See It.

I'm not about to go and say Obama is an idiot for not seeing this oil spill catastrophe coming, but the indicators were pretty obvious, if you ask me.

This is how I see it:

- BP has a history of felonies. It is the fourth biggest company in the world (the first is Royal Dutch Shell. I wikipedia'd this and at first thought it meant Old Dutch, the chip company which would have made way more sense because those chips are fucking bomb). Anyway, BP is an oil giant who could probably take over the world if it wanted to, so no one is going to say anything when it pretty much makes the same mistakes every year. The usual - killing their workers, cutting and pasting words from emergency plan to emergency plan (more about this later), and being frugal. Usually I endorse thriftiness, and I'm sure you do too, but when it comes to things like, oh you know, drilling thirty five thousand feet beneath water and into the earths fucking core, I would like to think we could set aside our petty fiscal qualms.

- BP's behavior alone in the Exxon Valdez shit was as good an indicator as any that they are about as competent as I am after drinking a box of wine. The worst damage was done during the hours they tried to fix shit. All their equipment was buried under snow, and no clean up ship was standing by. Exxon was like fuck this and brushed them aside. At which point BP continued masterbating and playing nintendo.

- Their emergency response plan was about as well thought out as, oh, a grocery list. Let me elaborate. Listed among precautions they wanted to take while drilling are walrus's, sea lions and other celestial creatures of the great white north. Not the fucking Gulf of Mexico, you idiot. C'est possible that they used text from an entirely different plan? The Minerals Management service let this shit slide by granting BP a categorical exclusion - which is meant strictly for minimally intrustive projects, like outhouses and hiking trails. Not the deepest hole ever drilled into mother earths sacred core. Now look at it. Great emergency plan, BP. You should have written it on a post it.

- Maybe if MMS and BP weren't too busy 69ing and chasing the dragon, we wouldn't be up to our gills in l'heule. Both companies have histories of being totally corrupt. And MMS has been operating "under the radar" with no definite mission statement for eons. Eons I say! Before Ken Salazar got his tie - clad ass in that office and started slapping wrists and confiscating rubix cubes, it was all fun and games. BP and MMS are like two chatty pre teens during silent reading hour. If the president trusts them to self regulate, the entire classroom will be full of oil in a few days.

On top of all that, my suspicions were confirmed when Tony Hayward was like "I want my life back!" Well guess what, Tony? So do the families and friends of the people who died in the disaster on April 20th. What kind of PR stunt was that? He must be still suffering from the residual hallucinagens, or maybe he's just straight up wasted. (I know I sure would be if I was the CEO of an oil comany).

The worst part is, despite the 6 month moratorium on offshore drilling, at least 5 new projects have been granted permits. Having said that, 30 000 people are working on this shit in 4 states. So Obama's not a total slacker. But he's an idiot for continuing to let people drill, baby, drill, away when we won't have even recovered from the events of April 20th for probably decades. And my kids are going to be pissed. I really don't care if he took a mini vaca with Michelle like 4 days after the spill to play golf and eat ribs. life goes on, right? We all need to eat ribs sometimes.

Essentially, what we need now is for Salazar to work his alleged magic, (he split up the MMS into 3 parts, you see, sort of what I consider to be like separating rambunctious kids into different rooms. Or quarentining people with infectious diseases. The infectious diseases being fun and slacking. If one person's up to no good, I know I sure will be too).

But in terms of my perscription for the future of the Gulf of Mexico, and offshore drilling, (because I know your dying to know my prescriptions. And I'm also authorized to prescribe such remedies), I have thought about it alot and the idea of performing what appears to be open heart surgery in the dark at the bottom of the Gulf is probably going to be next to impossible. They should employ a ninja (ie - the one in Oceans Eleven who they shoved in the box to sneak into the vault), or several ninjas, but pump them full of speed first. Send them down to work their magic. In the meantime, Obama and I will be eating ribs and getting pedicures.

Either that or a lot of hair to soak that shit up. (I heard Rachel McAdams was actually trying to do this.)

But the bottom line is I think everyone just needs to take a moment and remind themselves what really matters most in life: watching Lady Gaga's Alejandro video. Do this, sun children, and all will be well with the environment.

Tonight I was biking home from work and this dude yelled "oh my god you have nice tits I love you!" then his friend was like "dude shes like 16".

Perhaps due to the fact that I ride a childs bike.

Or maybe the fact that I look like an adolescent.

wavves !

LOOOOOVE

Futuristic St. Lawrence Market ?

This is what St. Lawrence market is supposed to look like by 2014 !

Mayor Miller announced this dreadful news recently, causing me to die a little on the inside. Four stories, with the market on the bottom floor, and courtrooms and administrative offices on the upper floors. There's also supposed to be a green roof, which is kind of cool.

During construction, the market will move to 125 the Esplanade. LAME.

St. Lawrence Market is so badass the way it is. Fucking with this beautiful historical building is like giving Kim Catrall a facelift and butt implants.

"It occurs to me that I am America. I am talking to myself again"

-Allen Ginsberg

everyones favourite cocksucker ....

As everyones favourite cocksucker Stephen Harper reviews his mastermind plans for Arctic environmental protection rules in the wake of the disasterous oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, attention has been drawn to the fact that the Northern Canadian provinces have been sullied with dangerous liquids! Sewage! Jet fuel! For the past oh, half decade!

The spills that have gone down are obviously smaller than the BP disaster off the US coast, but still remind us that we cant fuck around with out vulnerable eco systems !

260 spills were found in Canada's north over 5 years. A government environmental enforcement database called NEMISIS tracked them all, but left a bunch of holes (like who dunnit, how much was spilled, and even what was spilled). There were 137 spills in the northwest territories, 82 in Nunavut, and 41 in the Yukon. Some could be cleaned up in a day, others took months.

In one case, an unspecified amount of diesel was spilled in the Yukon for 2,013 days – more than 5 years – before someone finally did something. I would have done it but like, you know, whatever.

Why are there holes in NEMISIS? The department claims that it is often being improved and updated to manage its effectiveness. Also, sometimes info that doesn’t fall within environment canada’s mandate might not be entered into the database.

mmm hmmmm ....

But they insist that action can still be taken even if some data is missing. The department, they say, is just one of the several that can do something about spillers. (Read - they are avoiding sole responsiblity). Others, including Indian and Northern affairs and the provinces and territories, have different enforcement tools at their disposal.

The database lists 75 spills across the North. That’s followed by 28 sewage spills, 26 spills of unspecified of unknown contaminants and 25 jet fuel spills.

Why doesnt anyone ever spill anything good? (I'm thinking something along the lines of that skittles commercial with the skittles leak).