Kait Fowlie, reporting from bed, wildly hung over and bleary eyed, can’t look down without feeling nauseous. I’m writing today to tell you my thoughts on the inevitable cycle that happens in every young woman’s life – the bender.
It doesn’t take much to nudge me, or many of my loved ones, into a 4 or 5 day drinking binge, in which the following generally takes place: The first drink might go down on a nice patio with friends and it feels fucking amazing. It is followed by a stress free afternoon which turns into hedonism by sundown, followed by a tumultuous slumber and subsequent greasy breakfast the next day with brunch cocktails, at which point the cycle commences, several times over. By about the third day I’m hallucinating and one drop of any of my bodily fluids could kill a puppy. The days of drinking after that are just for good measure, I guess.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
This phenomenon can be brought about by several causes. People embark on the path of intemperance for many good reasons. A recent completion of something (or a false sense of achievement), ending a chapter in life, sheer boredom, romantic turmoil, general sadness, lack of confidence, existential or ontological crisis.
When I’m not experiencing any, or all, of these, I drink to get out of my head.
I have this philosophy that we humans can attribute much of our general failure to a little something I call the “Squirrel Complex”. You know when you see squirrels dashing across telephone wires at critter lightspeed? Well, do you think they are all in their heads about it, planning out their route and worrying about whether or not they’ll be able to clear that next pole? No. Of course they don’t. They just do it without thinking. I truly believe that humans could travel this way too if it weren’t for our lack of trust in ourselves and our environment. If we could clear our minds and simply accept that we could scurry up trees and along fences, we could. If we could travel this way, we could live this way. I’m not going to be the first to try it, but someone should.
When we’re drunk, we are deliberate and assertive. There are few factors in the universe that could stop us from going through with a decision.
Now, regardless of if I am going to wake up behind a pizza pizza somewhere in the GTA with a stupid tattoo, I want to live my life making decisions with confidence. I’d rather do something stupid with passion than do something right with meekness and uncertainty !
If you ask me there are way too many foddering fools out there who weeble and wobble back and forth, questioning themselves forever, asking other people their advice, dicking around and wasting time. I say get on witcha weeblin, wobblin ass. Dr Phil doesn’t have all the answers, you idiot. Here’s my advice: Drink a few beers. When you feel really good, go on facebook and message all your ex boyfriends and potential lovers. Those who actually message you back sometime are worth your while. Sound good? Good. You heard it here first. You will definitely thank me later. You can also do job interviews this way, and write essays. If they can’t handle you at your worst, they certainly don’t deserve you at your best.
In closing, there’s nothing wrong with a little alcoholism before noon on a weekday here and there, but when I start pouring vodka into my Rice Krispies in the morning, that’s when I tell myself “Kait, you better also take a multivitamin with that”. I believe in a holistic approach to life. Sometimes I’ll floss, or vacuum my bedroom. One good habit cancels out the bad. And we all make bad decisions from time to time. It’s how you handle it the next day that really speaks volumes about your character. Are you going to wake up in a strange bed and try to play it off like you have to rush downtown for a dentist appointment, or are you going to be a fucking man about it and stick around for breakfast? Meet the parents? It all comes down to what kind of legacy you want to leave on this earth, I say. And when it comes to drinking, I’d say I have the makings of a legend of snack size proportions.
Stay alert, stay safe reader!
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