It starts with a small town.
When you are from a small town, you are probably vulnerable enough to be conned into wearing something rediculous, singing showtunes and / or being a white preteen rapper, and generally being a puppet for the industry. Or your simply just too polite to say no.
A powerful, enduring, godlike figure (Usher, Jermaine Dupree, Snoop Dogg) takes you under their wing for God knows what reason. Maybe they see a glimmer in your eyes - a prospective river of boundless riches. These enduring figures tear the young neophyte from his home, introduce him into the "game", a world of drugs, nice shoes, and scantily clad women. The young grasshopper will adopt infinite swagger and generally lose his virginity at age, oh, 12, and is probably about ready for rehab at the ripe old age of, oh, 16. I give Beiber 2 years.
Anyone who actually calls themself The Doggfather and isn't widely ridiculed for it would be responsible for Lil Bow Wow's astonishing success. And as for Kriss Kross, wearing clothing backward may not have been quite the enduring trend the world had hoped at the time, but Dupri moulded those boys into cartoon character type figures of monumental historic relevance. Their music videos are totally like a necessary institution in hip hop. And I don't care what anyone says. Those boys were fucking hot.
He has to have older, famous women spreading his name like wildfire across the internet. When this blonde sbum bag announced that she "wanted to do a shoot" with Bieber and that she was "close to his age", a wave of nausea on par with the hormones in Laguna Beaches spanned the land. Gag me with a spoon.
On that note, often times there is a virginal quality to the male preteen heartthrob that sometimes makes older female celebrities want to rip off their clothing, tie them up in their bedroom and tape the whole thing and sell it to the tabloids. Or the child star just gets married at the age of like, 18 because all they want to do is bone but are hampered by their moral qualms.
Usually the child star will alternate between singing, acting, dancing, theatre, and may even start a clothing line. Their status as a triple threat may be questionable, ie Zac Efron`s uncertain acting abilities - but let it be known that he can really bust a move.
Its imparative that he throws a lot of gang signs.
Then, when the child star turns about 19 or 20 and realizes their entire career has been little more than an artistic joke, one of several events may ensue:
a) The child star turns to the porn industry (remember screech? And Jesse Spano? Two child stars of Saved by the Bell who both attempted to salvage their careers with porno. That said, he's pretty good at what he does. His appearances on Sally Jesse Raphael making mysoginistic comments at white trash hoes do make me chuckle, I cannot lie.)
b) The child star commits suicide or has a mysterious death. (Michael Jackson, Corey Haim)
c) The child star publicly apologizes for creating noise pollution and swears to embark on a path of legitimacy (The Moffats. I guess they didnt go through with the attempt for legitimacy, though. Matter of fact I tried to check the spelling of thier name and Google was like girl who the fuck you talkin bout?)
d) The child star sinks into oblivion and is never heard of again (JTT, Hanson, Rider Strong from Boy Meets World) save for maybe the occasional sex tape, commercial appearance, or arrest for cocaine posession (Danny Bonaduce).
e) Turns homosexual and astonishes the world. (Lance Bass, JTT)
I`ll end this post on a positive note: I predict an epic comeback for Macaulay Kaulkin. He managed to wheel Mila Kunis, so something tells me he has the makings of a legend. Or maybe heès just hung like a horse and we will be seeing an epic porn tape of the two of thm in the future. Either way, Im down.
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