Gulf Oil Spill - The Way I See It.

I'm not about to go and say Obama is an idiot for not seeing this oil spill catastrophe coming, but the indicators were pretty obvious, if you ask me.

This is how I see it:

- BP has a history of felonies. It is the fourth biggest company in the world (the first is Royal Dutch Shell. I wikipedia'd this and at first thought it meant Old Dutch, the chip company which would have made way more sense because those chips are fucking bomb). Anyway, BP is an oil giant who could probably take over the world if it wanted to, so no one is going to say anything when it pretty much makes the same mistakes every year. The usual - killing their workers, cutting and pasting words from emergency plan to emergency plan (more about this later), and being frugal. Usually I endorse thriftiness, and I'm sure you do too, but when it comes to things like, oh you know, drilling thirty five thousand feet beneath water and into the earths fucking core, I would like to think we could set aside our petty fiscal qualms.

- BP's behavior alone in the Exxon Valdez shit was as good an indicator as any that they are about as competent as I am after drinking a box of wine. The worst damage was done during the hours they tried to fix shit. All their equipment was buried under snow, and no clean up ship was standing by. Exxon was like fuck this and brushed them aside. At which point BP continued masterbating and playing nintendo.

- Their emergency response plan was about as well thought out as, oh, a grocery list. Let me elaborate. Listed among precautions they wanted to take while drilling are walrus's, sea lions and other celestial creatures of the great white north. Not the fucking Gulf of Mexico, you idiot. C'est possible that they used text from an entirely different plan? The Minerals Management service let this shit slide by granting BP a categorical exclusion - which is meant strictly for minimally intrustive projects, like outhouses and hiking trails. Not the deepest hole ever drilled into mother earths sacred core. Now look at it. Great emergency plan, BP. You should have written it on a post it.

- Maybe if MMS and BP weren't too busy 69ing and chasing the dragon, we wouldn't be up to our gills in l'heule. Both companies have histories of being totally corrupt. And MMS has been operating "under the radar" with no definite mission statement for eons. Eons I say! Before Ken Salazar got his tie - clad ass in that office and started slapping wrists and confiscating rubix cubes, it was all fun and games. BP and MMS are like two chatty pre teens during silent reading hour. If the president trusts them to self regulate, the entire classroom will be full of oil in a few days.

On top of all that, my suspicions were confirmed when Tony Hayward was like "I want my life back!" Well guess what, Tony? So do the families and friends of the people who died in the disaster on April 20th. What kind of PR stunt was that? He must be still suffering from the residual hallucinagens, or maybe he's just straight up wasted. (I know I sure would be if I was the CEO of an oil comany).

The worst part is, despite the 6 month moratorium on offshore drilling, at least 5 new projects have been granted permits. Having said that, 30 000 people are working on this shit in 4 states. So Obama's not a total slacker. But he's an idiot for continuing to let people drill, baby, drill, away when we won't have even recovered from the events of April 20th for probably decades. And my kids are going to be pissed. I really don't care if he took a mini vaca with Michelle like 4 days after the spill to play golf and eat ribs. life goes on, right? We all need to eat ribs sometimes.

Essentially, what we need now is for Salazar to work his alleged magic, (he split up the MMS into 3 parts, you see, sort of what I consider to be like separating rambunctious kids into different rooms. Or quarentining people with infectious diseases. The infectious diseases being fun and slacking. If one person's up to no good, I know I sure will be too).

But in terms of my perscription for the future of the Gulf of Mexico, and offshore drilling, (because I know your dying to know my prescriptions. And I'm also authorized to prescribe such remedies), I have thought about it alot and the idea of performing what appears to be open heart surgery in the dark at the bottom of the Gulf is probably going to be next to impossible. They should employ a ninja (ie - the one in Oceans Eleven who they shoved in the box to sneak into the vault), or several ninjas, but pump them full of speed first. Send them down to work their magic. In the meantime, Obama and I will be eating ribs and getting pedicures.

Either that or a lot of hair to soak that shit up. (I heard Rachel McAdams was actually trying to do this.)

But the bottom line is I think everyone just needs to take a moment and remind themselves what really matters most in life: watching Lady Gaga's Alejandro video. Do this, sun children, and all will be well with the environment.

Tonight I was biking home from work and this dude yelled "oh my god you have nice tits I love you!" then his friend was like "dude shes like 16".

Perhaps due to the fact that I ride a childs bike.

Or maybe the fact that I look like an adolescent.

wavves !

LOOOOOVE

Futuristic St. Lawrence Market ?

This is what St. Lawrence market is supposed to look like by 2014 !

Mayor Miller announced this dreadful news recently, causing me to die a little on the inside. Four stories, with the market on the bottom floor, and courtrooms and administrative offices on the upper floors. There's also supposed to be a green roof, which is kind of cool.

During construction, the market will move to 125 the Esplanade. LAME.

St. Lawrence Market is so badass the way it is. Fucking with this beautiful historical building is like giving Kim Catrall a facelift and butt implants.

"It occurs to me that I am America. I am talking to myself again"

-Allen Ginsberg

everyones favourite cocksucker ....

As everyones favourite cocksucker Stephen Harper reviews his mastermind plans for Arctic environmental protection rules in the wake of the disasterous oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, attention has been drawn to the fact that the Northern Canadian provinces have been sullied with dangerous liquids! Sewage! Jet fuel! For the past oh, half decade!

The spills that have gone down are obviously smaller than the BP disaster off the US coast, but still remind us that we cant fuck around with out vulnerable eco systems !

260 spills were found in Canada's north over 5 years. A government environmental enforcement database called NEMISIS tracked them all, but left a bunch of holes (like who dunnit, how much was spilled, and even what was spilled). There were 137 spills in the northwest territories, 82 in Nunavut, and 41 in the Yukon. Some could be cleaned up in a day, others took months.

In one case, an unspecified amount of diesel was spilled in the Yukon for 2,013 days – more than 5 years – before someone finally did something. I would have done it but like, you know, whatever.

Why are there holes in NEMISIS? The department claims that it is often being improved and updated to manage its effectiveness. Also, sometimes info that doesn’t fall within environment canada’s mandate might not be entered into the database.

mmm hmmmm ....

But they insist that action can still be taken even if some data is missing. The department, they say, is just one of the several that can do something about spillers. (Read - they are avoiding sole responsiblity). Others, including Indian and Northern affairs and the provinces and territories, have different enforcement tools at their disposal.

The database lists 75 spills across the North. That’s followed by 28 sewage spills, 26 spills of unspecified of unknown contaminants and 25 jet fuel spills.

Why doesnt anyone ever spill anything good? (I'm thinking something along the lines of that skittles commercial with the skittles leak).