Palm-Ella loves seals.

And so do I.

Peta does too. So much that they throw pies at things to save them. (How they reckon this will save said seals is a mystery, but apparently such behavior has merit.) Peta has a lot of money, fame and support, but continuously relies on publicity stunts to achieve their goals, which are centered mostly on animal rights. Human rights, however, are apparently completely disregarded in their attempts to banish animal cruelty, as made clear in the ongoing controversy around PETA’s campaigns.

A 37 year old member of PETA was charged with assault after she shoved a pie into the fact of fisheries and oceans minister Gail Shea in Burlington in January. As Shea began her speech at the Canada Centre for Inland Waters in Burlington, the PETA member came up to the podium and clobbered her with a tofu cream pie.

In the past, PETA has effectively covered Lindsay Lohan for wearing a fur coat in Paris, written a formal letter to Ben and Jerry’s asking them to switch to breast milk to make their ice cream, asked the Pet Shop Boys to change their name, and a myriad of other ludicrous measures. These things are stupid, not radical, and won’t do shit.

In art theory, to be radical involves a harkening back to that which we cannot return – the past – as well as importing techniques from across genres, like taking something from dance and incorporating it into film. If we simply keep doing brand new things and consider it shocking, we simply get louder and louder. And that won’t prove anything.

What needs to replace eco terrorism is eco creativity. Besides, maybe someone should first feed Lindsay Lohan some flour before anything else, so she’ll have some meat on her bones and won’t need a fur coat to stay warm. Get to the root of the problem, I say ! Think about people first ! We’re smarter than animals, right?

PETA executive vice-president Tracy Reiman said the pie in the face wasn’t as bad as the blood on Gails hands. PETA reckons it is time Canada banned the seal hunt, that the commercial fishing industry is environmentally destructive – and lots of Canadians agree with them, including myself. Yet, this doesn’t mean I’m going to waste a good pie on some woman named Gail.

First Nations people hunted seals 4000 years ago and valued every part of the creature – the pelt, the meat, the ceremonial aspect of the kill, it’s symbolic meaning in a young dudes life. Now, you can get a seal pelt for 14 dollars and kill one by raking its eyes out without even leaving your boat - not exactly the ritual the First Nations had in mind. We’re killing increasingly more and more seals year after year, too, and loving every bloody minute of it?

This is where Gail comes in. A former provincial cabinet minister, she has stated that her department, the fisheries department is not a department that will have many ribbon-cutting ceremonies. I sense a lament for the not quite glamorous role she has in the seal hunt, unlike Palm (above).

And it sho' is bloody. Long poles with metal hooks are the weapon of choice from what I gather, they are hauled on board the boats and then beaten to a pulp. There is pretty much no way to convince someone this isn’t a ridiculously inhumane practice. (Vladimir Putin said so himself. And I don’t think he would fuck around. Russia banned the slaughter of Harp seals under a year old) However it’s still legal under Canada's Marine Mammal Regulations. The Canadian government has ignored the crazy amounts of criticism and under the amended Marine Mammal Regulations, the practice will continue.

In 1987, Canada was compassionate enough to halt the slaughter of “white coats” (young specimens who aren’t coloured yet) but seals lose their white fur around 2 weeks of age, so this means most are shot before their third month of life (they can’t even swim yet and they have to try and get away from the hunters. )
During Canada’s annual commercial hunt, as many as 300 000 seals are shot or bludgeoned.

And to be sure, the costs of the seal hunt outweigh the economic benefit. After all, this shit is subsidized by our tax dollars. My precious rivets ! I’m a vegetarian I didn’t agree to this shit ! If we ended the hunt, Canada would have a minimum of $6.9 million doll-hairs every year ! That means we could all be walking around with canes and grills and fake fur ! But Gail seems pretty adamant that the economic benefits are as lucrative as a money tree. Guess what, Gail. Seals don’t grow on trees anymore.

Regardless, she is pretty proud that Canada is a world leader in the seal hunt. The government website says this. Are we meant to feel proud of this factoid? Minister Shea (always referred to as “honourable minister” on the site) assures us that Fishery’s officers will be closely monitoring the hunt this year to make sure of compliance with regulations. (So if they’re not around, the hunters will go crazy and start killing everything in sight?) The fisheries department website states:

“Our government will continue to defend the rights of Canadian sealers to provide a livelihood for their families through our lawful, sustainable and humane hunt, said Shea. We are extremely disappointed that the European Parliament has called for a disruption of the trade of seal products and our position remains that any ban on a humanely conducted hunt, such as Canada’s, is completely without merit. We will continue to explore all legal and diplomatic options and Canadians can be assured that we will exercise our rights to their fullest extent under international trade laws if and when it becomes necessary and appropriate."

For one, I’m pretty sure a humanely conducted hunt is an oxymoron.

For two, I disagree that not clubbin seals has no merit.

And is it really so diplomatic, sensitive and tactful to rip baby seals to shreds for money (using vegetarians tax dollars?)

The whole thing is pretty disgraceful, but you have to be pretty wack to pie a middle aged woman making a speech in front of hundreds of people.

But I guess Lindsay has to get those coats somewhere, right? And who am I to tell her she can’t have whatever she wants? Her dad was like, a real clown. She can have all the fur she wants.

I am not a real vegetarian. There, I said it.

Seafood is an integral part of my ancestral make up. I managed to can the lamb, (and all other forms of meat save fish) but my family still loves those furry little whippersnappers - to cuddle and to eat - as contradictory as that may seem.

Don't judge me.

We place so much trust in labels. We generally accept that the food we buy hasn’t been dragged along the road on the back of a truck, pumped full of rocket fuel, or otherwise contaminated. Recently, I have concluded that the government doesn’t give a shit about our health. Food is just a commercial product, the industry no different than any other competitive market.

The USDA (United States Department of Agriculture)certifies food for safety. The organization lists the ingredients and nutritional information on food packaging. Their work effects virtually every American citizen, everyday. While the USDA is responsible for the inspection of meat, poultry, eggs and dairy, they also promote the sale of them. They manage the Milk campaign ads,for instance. Milk is a 19 billion dollar industry, using figures like Bill Clinton and Donna Shalala (the Secretary of Health and Human Services)in their ads.

Science, marketing, and trade conservation are all significant aspects of the USDA’s work. But their primary goal is to keep American agriculture "strong and competitive". (ie - they want to take over the world and force feed us all animal products.)

In 1998, someone called the USDA out on some hardcore bias. The physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine (PCRM) filed a lawsuit against them because the USDA selected 6 out of 11 people with “financial ties” to various food industries to serve on their board. The affiliated industries include the American Meat Institute, the National Livestock and Beef Board, National Dairy promotion and research program. So, basically they want to take over the world AND force feed us all meat and dairy. Or at least brainwash us into thinking we need it to be healthy.

The USDA feeds a lot of people and has a lot of influence. It has 15 food assistance programs, including ones that feed the elderly, homeless, and poor. Like Monsanto, the USDA permeates all our food and controls our seeds so that we are completely dependent. We have no choice but to be. There are approximately 300 foods on the market right now that aren't even required to list all their ingredients on their packages. How can we be educated when huge companies like the USDA goes to incredible measures to keep us in the dark about what we are putting in our bodies?

Is USDA is the mafia? Are they so loaded that virtually EVERY food company in America is giving them blowjobs?

So are we to trust no one? In 1999, a ground beef plant in Texas failed a bunch of salmonella tests - 47% of their products were contaminated. Despite this, the USDA still continued to use this particular company as one of the largest meat providers for their school programs. It is estimated that 1 in 5 Americans will take part in this mutli billion dollar program - which is being supported by our tax doll-hairs !

Put your doll-hairs where your mouth is, biatch, and pay no attention to the stupid ass milk moustache ads. Their super lame. Really this is the biggest problem I have with the United States Department of Agriculture.

There are a lot of fossil fuels involved in turning a cow into a steak. They eat a shit load of corn, which requires cultivation, harvesting, and transport. 284 gallons of oil are used for chemical fertilizer and machinery. When the cows riveting life of eating corn is over, the cow is 'processed' with fossil fuel demanding machinery, chemicals and labour. Then meat is shipped all over the place.

The average American consumes 114 lbs of red meat per year. That's a lot of energy production for something that we could live without.

Does being vegetarian help? Probably not much, by itself. Consumption of dairy products like milk and cheese still contribute to the emissions used in raising cattle for food. Cutting out animal products altogether would make a substantial difference. Dairy cows produce over twice as much methane as beef cows !

Throwing fridges off cliffs is sOoOoOo fun !

The food industry produces over 5 times the volume of the most energy intensive manufacturing industry – iron and steel. The problem isn’t just limited to ‘food miles’ or pesticides. It starts with the manufacturing of the fertilizer for soil to the drive home from the grocery store. The energy used to get food on the table is often exponentially greater than the caloric value of the food itself. Now, we don’t necessarily need to drive SUV’s, throw refrigerators off cliffs for entertainment, or wear gold chains. But we need to eat. It is possible to reduce the appalling carbon footprint caused by the food industry. We just have to not be douche bags about it, is all.

We can’t rely on the supermarkets and industrial farms to do the work for us. In order to remain competitive and prosperous, large companies will always take the path of least resistance, which means the path of destructive carbon footprints. Burning fossil fuels and using pesticides is infinitely cheaper and convenient than using human labour. Modern economy makes climate change difficult to fight – convenience is often no match for sustainability.

Here are some ways to reduce your environmental douche baggery !

- Buy local food and save the emissions from transport. Food produced for commerical grocery stores is shipped long, and increasing distances. Our incredible dependancy when it comes to food means huge amounts of emissions from transport. Think of the transport of frozen goods. Trucks have to keep frozen food frozen for huge amounts of time on the road. Locally grown food has more nutrients and tastes a lot better than a garbanzo bean that has been rolling around the bottom of a truck or airplane for days on end.

- Buy organic food. (I understand the nauseating fact that organic food is just so fucking trendy. But I can’t deny that the agricultural use of pesticides has a toxic effect on all life systems around it - the soil, the animals it comes in contact with, and the people who eat it.) In terms of the environment, the manufacturing of synthetic fertilizer uses natural gas as a raw material, resulting in carbon dioxide emissions in the process. Of course, its application in the field releases green house gases as well.

- Eat less animal products. Since the decline in coal mining, agricultural animals are the main source of methane production, a greenhouse gas emission that contributes to global warming. Not to mention that the lives of these creatures will be spared, and you will be healthier without consuming rotting carcases. You are what you eat.

- Avoid processed food. It is usually super packaged to the max in attempts to make it look appealing and advertise how low in fat and full of omega 3 fatty acids it is. Well guess what - chances are if you are buying food that is using pink and yellow bold sparkly font to advertise how full of awesome nutrients it is, it really isn’t so. Why? Because Bill Nye has pumped it full of radioactive goo to satisfy the eternally ‘health conscious’ consumer, fucking with the natural balance of nutrients. Sufficient nutrients are in real food. The lowly banana usually doesn’t grow on a tree with stickers to publicize its potassium- filled righteousness. Western demise! Don’t be a fool ! You can’t drink vitamin coca cola all day and not expect to get scurvy if you don’t drink your pine needle tea. Duh.

- Avoid supermarkets. They use ridiculous amounts of energy to chill / freeze food in open display coolers to make it look pretty so you’ll buy it. Buy into that? Maybe they are just trying to get high on hydrofluorocarbons as you walk by the produce. Use your noggin, fool. Not to mention the energy used to heat and light the supermarkets themselves, some of which are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

- Compost. Give back food waste to the earth from which it came. It’s good to be alive.

These are just some suggestions that I read places. They are in no way vindictive of my personal opinions. I regularly catch racoons with my bare hands for my own personal consumption. But if you are at all interested in adopting an eco friendly lifestyle then for all means, follow these guidelines. You can just call me Maury Povich and give me a call if you need a mentor, tutor, or yogi of any persuasion. One love !

Fight crime.

During the last semester in my criminology class, my professor asked the class if diet should be considered a factor in criminal motive. Usually I keep to myself in lectures, but, as a (recent) vegetarian, I do believe that diet is an enormous part of the behavioural world, affecting the way we think, act, and feel.

I put up my hand to give my two cents. I explained that its a common philosophy among vegetarians that you are what you eat - one of the many possible reasons people choose to not eat meat or animal products. Animals obviously endure a lot of fear and anxiety when they are killed. Some people don't want to consume that.

The class thought this was really halarious and everyone laughed, including my professor.

"I guess I just had a huge plate of anxiety for breakfast, then" he said.

Thanks for being so open minded, Professor.