Anatomy of the male preteen heart throb.

It starts with a small town.

When you are from a small town, you are probably vulnerable enough to be conned into wearing something rediculous, singing showtunes and / or being a white preteen rapper, and generally being a puppet for the industry. Or your simply just too polite to say no.



A powerful, enduring, godlike figure (Usher, Jermaine Dupree, Snoop Dogg) takes you under their wing for God knows what reason. Maybe they see a glimmer in your eyes - a prospective river of boundless riches. These enduring figures tear the young neophyte from his home, introduce him into the "game", a world of drugs, nice shoes, and scantily clad women. The young grasshopper will adopt infinite swagger and generally lose his virginity at age, oh, 12, and is probably about ready for rehab at the ripe old age of, oh, 16. I give Beiber 2 years.

Anyone who actually calls themself The Doggfather and isn't widely ridiculed for it would be responsible for Lil Bow Wow's astonishing success. And as for Kriss Kross, wearing clothing backward may not have been quite the enduring trend the world had hoped at the time, but Dupri moulded those boys into cartoon character type figures of monumental historic relevance. Their music videos are totally like a necessary institution in hip hop. And I don't care what anyone says. Those boys were fucking hot.



He has to have older, famous women spreading his name like wildfire across the internet. When this blonde sbum bag announced that she "wanted to do a shoot" with Bieber and that she was "close to his age", a wave of nausea on par with the hormones in Laguna Beaches spanned the land. Gag me with a spoon.



On that note, often times there is a virginal quality to the male preteen heartthrob that sometimes makes older female celebrities want to rip off their clothing, tie them up in their bedroom and tape the whole thing and sell it to the tabloids. Or the child star just gets married at the age of like, 18 because all they want to do is bone but are hampered by their moral qualms.



Usually the child star will alternate between singing, acting, dancing, theatre, and may even start a clothing line. Their status as a triple threat may be questionable, ie Zac Efron`s uncertain acting abilities - but let it be known that he can really bust a move.



Its imparative that he throws a lot of gang signs.



Then, when the child star turns about 19 or 20 and realizes their entire career has been little more than an artistic joke, one of several events may ensue:

a) The child star turns to the porn industry (remember screech? And Jesse Spano? Two child stars of Saved by the Bell who both attempted to salvage their careers with porno. That said, he's pretty good at what he does. His appearances on Sally Jesse Raphael making mysoginistic comments at white trash hoes do make me chuckle, I cannot lie.)

b) The child star commits suicide or has a mysterious death. (Michael Jackson, Corey Haim)

c) The child star publicly apologizes for creating noise pollution and swears to embark on a path of legitimacy (The Moffats. I guess they didnt go through with the attempt for legitimacy, though. Matter of fact I tried to check the spelling of thier name and Google was like girl who the fuck you talkin bout?)

d) The child star sinks into oblivion and is never heard of again (JTT, Hanson, Rider Strong from Boy Meets World) save for maybe the occasional sex tape, commercial appearance, or arrest for cocaine posession (Danny Bonaduce).

e) Turns homosexual and astonishes the world. (Lance Bass, JTT)

I`ll end this post on a positive note: I predict an epic comeback for Macaulay Kaulkin. He managed to wheel Mila Kunis, so something tells me he has the makings of a legend. Or maybe heès just hung like a horse and we will be seeing an epic porn tape of the two of thm in the future. Either way, Im down.

The Jonas Brothers vs. Me

The Jonas brothers came to Toronto the other day. I was walking to work at 9 in the morning, weaving in and out of the massive lines of preteen girls, some boys, some parents. Kids slept on the street to secure a place in line to get a glimpse of those three humans. Yeah their pretty cute, I guess, and wear nice clothes, but they are they’re not particularly talented by any stretch of the imagination. What is it that dragged all those kids out of their postered bedrooms to the city to line up for probably days?

Are the Jonas brothers Gods? Do these kids know something I don’t?

I don’t know if catching a glimpse of a 15 year old pop musician reveals any penetrating truths - in theory, we know this. But still,people pilgrimage great lengths and endure unfavourable sleeping conditions to even get a quick glance at stars in the flesh. People like the Jonas Brothers have become so entirely dehumanized to the point that I’m not even sure if they lead lives anymore. They lead more of a packaged existence, much like a preservative laden can of parmesan cheese with an expiry date. They are equally cheesetastic and probably equally as musically inclined. Celebrities must have such a skewed sense of self identity.

When the Brothers careers come to an end (at the dried up age of 30), will the world turn a blind eye to them? deem them has beens and consider them barely even a distant memory? Insofar as celebrity culture goes, life is lived for validation of others.

While the untouchable and god like celebrity may always exist, celebritydom is becoming more and more accessible and oriented toward reality. In strange and overwhelming reality TV phenomena, everyday life is glorified. Viewers want to see the relatable struggles of the mundane and domestic.

Britney Spears – an invincible icon of our time who serves as a metaphor for the world, fills the void in many lives as a higher being providing an example, inspiration, a model of success. The sheer intensity of her fame is horrifying. I cannot imagine not being able to go to restaurants, not being able to leave my house without a disguise.

But the truth is, anyone can be a celebrity on Facebook. The contrived self promoting pictures, favourite books, sharing ‘whats on your mind’ ... who gives a fuck what Pam Beth and Sherry are doing every 5 minutes of the day? But how is Britney any different, really? Under all the drugs, sequins, trashy relationships, she’s just a person with a troubled childhood and an aimless future, just like you and me! In the Facebook world, we see profiles as people. In truth they barely even represent people. You can manipulate every detail according to your every whim. To me, that sounds more like the packaged existence led by our aforementioned Brothers than ‘real life’.

But with the increasing multitude and popularity of Twitter and networking sites, new heights of self promotion, controlled self presentation, new avenues to popularity, and essentially, stardom are made totally accessible. It seems like a fairly natural progression.

The self conscious celebrity has always existed. Andy Warhol and his ‘medium is the message tactic’, providing a mirror for culture, and in turn, himself, Paris Hilton and her ‘in on the joke’ idiosyncrasies (which, for the record, I do believe. Was there ever a time in history that beautiful blonde women didn’t get anywhere being exceptionally ignorant? Genius!). We are all guilty of a contrived self presentation at some points in our live, especially when money is involved.

On that note, I’m going to go get ready for my hot date with Joe Jonas(‘s facebook profile). I only exist on the internet, after all.